A good and long time friend of mine wrote an interesting post on
his blog recently and asked himself an interesting question into the Google search engine, "How do I stop being an asshole?" and the result was an interesting quote from a dude that slept with his friends wife and was beating himself up about it
and other things he has, apparently, done. A part of the quote read like this, "...I can blame it on depression, or a shitty childhood, but really, I have to blame it on myself. I have had so many incredible opportunities, squandered most of them, bitterly, and been a shitty person dressed up as a funny man." Hmm, interesting question with a deep meaning. It got me thinking, as I type this at 3 am, my wife snoring her ass off in the other room, if I, myself, am an asshole?
Well, my very first thought was, "Yeah, I can be some times", and can't we all? How many times have you watched or listened to someone and thought, "This dude is an ASSHOLE!" lol.
I spent the majority of my life surrounded by a man who, for the most part, was a complete and utter asshole, drunk all the time, cheated on his wife, smoked too much, talked down to his entire family and beat his kids whenever possible. This sort of person was full of fear, I'm convinced, and made others around him feel less-than and not-as-good-as because he, himself, felt that way.
When I started coming of age, I was, for the most part, an angry person. I felt no one liked me, I felt I didn't fit in, I felt fearful and insecure beyond belief! Being this skinny long haired freak with my two front teeth chipped, my self esteem was a little low.
Thankfully, on hind-site, no one tried to fix this for me. I was forced, in my own way, to deal with those feelings of self worthlessness and self loathing. I tried fixing it with booze and drugs and it only acted as an amplifier of my true inner feelings and pushed friends and family away from me, which started the vicious circle. I'm not loved, I should drink, people hate me, so I should try to fit in by getting high with them, and the more I do this, the more my inner feelings come out and the more people couldn't stand to be around me (or so I thought), so on and so on. Eventually, I ended up completely alone, on that ugly blue shag carpet in a two room apartment with no furniture with nothing and everything I thought I needed to make me feel whole, was gone. I have never felt so empty and sole-less in my entire life.
That same day I began a journey to get better. It took me a long time to feel worthy by loving myself and not concerning myself with what others thought of me. By not comparing my insides by peoples outsides. By mending these fences in my life that have shut me off from love and personal growth. Today, I am far from perfect and will most likely never posess personal peace within 100%, but I have the greatest thing anyone could ask for in life, a reason. A reason to get out of bed in the morning, a reason to want to do well in life, a reason to want to be nice to others (most of the time, lol). That reason, bottom line, is gratitude.
For me, I must be grateful for what God has given me. I must remember where I came from as I could go back there in a second! I must be thankful for the lessons learned in my life, especially how NOT to treat others. If I'm treating people like shit, I must have something going on in my head that needs to be looked at. Some conflict of sorts that needs to be addressed. Most of my inner conflicts revolve around perceptions. and, its amazing how my perceptions can change based on many factors. If I hadn't gotten enough sleep, for instance, or hadn't prayed or sought spiritual growth in some way, or if I hadn't eaten in a while of whatever, my perception changes and my inner asshole comes out 10 fold. But, even if Ive gotten 12 hours sleep the night before, had a healthy breakfast of tree bark and love, even if I just came floating out of church, well, my perception still has a way, sometimes, to be a little skewed.
Who knows why, really, people are assholes to each other some times and why others are so nice you want to puke. Its hard to figure out why some people only need to lose everything once and learn their lesson or that some people need to lose everything like once every 6 months and still blame others for their mis-givings, laying out the "poor-me's". Who knows, really.
Well, one thing I have learned in these past 37 years, that we are all human with feelings and expectations and, when you are as complicated as most of us are, you tend to want to punch one of them in the face sometimes, no matter what the bible says, right? For me, my only goal is to, perhaps selfishly, feel fulfilled. I want to make sure I gave those around me the love and respect they are owed. Not only in a self centered way, but feel like Ive accomplished a good life and when the day comes when I will meet my maker, can only hope that I wasn't too much of an asshole that at least a few of you will come to my funeral, lol.
Eh, life is crazy, fun and exciting as long as I keep my mind out of it, lol.
*Edit - Oh, and since we're on the topic of being an asshole, Rob H., if you're still following my blog, you should grow up and learn a few things about burning bridges with your employer(s) and keeping your dick out of places they don't belong. God bless you dude, you deserve whatever heart-felt-pain you receive. Douche Bag.
